Mother-Daughter Relationship...

First off, I love my mom, she's been there for me a lot. Everyone has their problems also, and my mom and myself included fit this part. Growing up was wonderful, but I have noticed a bunch of things that just weren't right, or could have been better. Lets start with a little background, I'll try and keep this short but who knows where this will go.

My grandmother didn't want my mom, my mother was very close to my grandfather and that made my grandma jealous. She tried to give her away and was very abusive mentally and physically. (Their relationship improved after my mom had me, I was the first grand-daughter on my mother's side, strange that a baby girl would break the hate bit). Now I know for a fact this affected my mother greatly. I also know my mother did damage to herself, she was a model and on the track team (needless to say I'm sure, that keeping her appearance up was a huge deal) now this has come back to affect my sisters and I. With the help of my wonderful husband I'm slowly letting "the number" (weight) thing go. I had a very hard time at first when I couldn't stop gaining weight no matter what I did, then when I lost it all it wasn't enough, and now that I'm pregnant, though I haven't gained more than 5 lbs in the last 5 months, I sometimes feel gross. It's an awful thing, and I am so glad Skyler understands me.

My mother also needs to be needed, and if you don't need her, you're not welcome to be around. She loves it when Skyler is gone and I'm sick so she can take care of me, but if I'm doing great and don't need help its pretty much like screw you. I love her, and I know that she doesn't recognize this, (I've talked to her plenty and to my dad and we just accept that she doesn't know).

I know I won't be like my mom or her mother, I know I can see the issues but I have still always wanted a little girl to prove that I can be better than them. That I can have a better relationship. I just can't help but wonder what this little girl will be like, and if I'll be able to give her everything she deserves. Guess I can't stop worrying about her already...

I know this wasn't the most pleasant post lately but I want to make sure I get that out there, see it in writing, know that I've told people of my goal, let them know I recognize problems in my own family when it comes to mother-daughter relationships.

Hope everyone is doing well!