Friday, December 3, 2010

Always in the back of the mind....

Lately with the holidays coming up I've been thinking about where my husband and I were the last 4 years that we've done holidays together. The first year we had been officially dating for about a week when Christmas came, the next year we'd been married for 4 months and we're buying a house. The third year we'd been trying for almost a year and of course AF shows up on Christmas day right as I get to meet my cousin's (who is 6 months older than me so he was 21) 15 year old pregnant fiancée! Talk about a not very unemotional holiday. This year we have Miss Abigail Cheyenne moving and kicking away. Growing stronger and getting closer to being here with us.

Which got me to thinking, I haven't really had that oh my gosh we're pregnant moment yet. I know she's in there, I feel her, she has a name her nursery is painted, clothes are being bought by my mother and sisters, I'm looking at all the stuff we need i.e. crib, changing table, sheets... I'm 26 weeks tomorrow. Why don't I feel pregnant? Why am I still jealous of pregnant people and still worried that this is all a dream and could end at any point? I find it crazy that 18 months of trying has done so much damage. I feel like I'm the only one that feels like this. I don't think anyone understands. No one. I think that makes family get together party things a hard thing for me to go to. Knowing that none of the people that are pregnant there and the one that just had her baby didn't have to try. They don't know what its like to wonder if you'll ever have the experience of being pregnant. I'd have given anything any day to be pregnant, to experience all that. I'm scared of the labor and delivery part but am looking forward to it, looking forward to being able to say, that's right I got pregnant and delivered a baby.

Does anyone else still feel that sting of infertility? I know I only tried for a year and a half, and only saw a doctor 3 times and after a few months of metformin it worked, I know others have more painful and more serious stories, but it still hurts, it still changed my life. If you do know how that feels, what did you do to get away from that feeling? That jealousy, that disbelief?

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