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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Step 1.

The first step is admitting there's a problem right? My name is Sara and there is something seriously wrong with me. I'm sure I officially lost it. I messed up. I really did. I posted something on FB, yeah stupid f*cking Facebook, I'm thinking about getting rid of it completely since I can't just delete my in-laws. That would stir the pot for sure.

So I posted something like "we tell you a certain time to come over for a certain amount of time for a reason its not a suggestion." I was mad. It all started this morning. We showered and my mil called while I was getting ready, told Skyler she'd be over with his grandma and one of his aunts in half an hour. I don't want anyone over, anyone at all. I just want to be at home with Abby and Skyler and Scout. I don't want to go anywhere today. Just stay at home as a family.

So I was slightly irritated I rudely told him go clean then, and that he needs to ask next time because Abby eats any time between now and half an hour after they would get here. He said he'd just give her a bottle of formula... (ick I'd rather her not take the formula, I like BFing) Well I'm getting ready and he comes and freaks out, What do I do all week when I'm at home? Why doesn't anything get done?

And wasn't his little sister's baby shower today? Why didn't I go? Blah Blah Blah. I honestly forgot about the baby shower, I remembered before I showered and that was at like 12:30, and her shower was at 11. I really forgot, I didn't have a gift either, that would have been bad to show up 2 hours late without a gift. Hmmm. It hurt. I didn't want to fight with him I was having a great time with him. Things have been better in our relationship since January. After the whole early labor scare things have just worked themselves out.

Well his family shows up like 45 min late, I just hung out in my room after I opened the door, and was cleaning, I came out didn't talk to anyone, I just washed my pump and a bottle and they asked a few questions I answered and went back to my room. After they left I posted that. Then realized I should have and deleted it. But in the 5 minutes it was up his sister in law and sister got on and saw it and flipped out. His brother called, saying his mom and grandma were hurt and everyone is mad that I don't like them and Skyler just flipped.

I don't blame him for being mad but, he could have just talked to me. I was just hurt from what he had said earlier. But its more than that and I know it. There's stuff I need to talk about with people, stuff I should have talked about with people a long time ago. When I was in 6th grade my parents adopted my older cousin Danny, I wasn't the oldest anymore and he didn't help with self esteem issues. At that same time my mom started having heart attacks and strokes, conveniently they only happened when she was with me. Why? After being pulled out of school to take care of my 4 younger siblings because my older brother couldn't I should have asked to talk to someone. I just needed someone to talk to, but no, I started doing what I continue to do now, I just said man up and take care of the problem yourself. This is my problem. I should have asked for help, I should have found someone to talk to.

I let everyone else use me. My family, my so called friends. Everyone. I don't like to talk about stuff right away, and I hate to let people know that I can't handle something. In the last almost 4 years Skyler & I have been together we've had so many problems because I just can't ask for help. I think I can handle everything and have handled everything by myself, but I can't. The things that started causing me to do this still haunt me.

I don't know what a relationship should be like. I don't know how families should be. I could write for days on what's gone on in my life. I probably will start writing it out so I can at least say hey it's out there. I don't want people to feel bad, I want someone to help me. I'm ready for it. I don't know if you'd say I am depressed. I don't know whats wrong.

I know it's not post postpartum, I love my baby and I love everything that has to do with her, I love our feedings early in the morning and I love how she has a mind of her own when it comes to schedules. I have energy I'm fine getting up and doing stuff. I just don't want to clean, I don't want to be around anyone really, I need to figure things out with myself and how I won't mess my child up. I need time with just her. I need to just be left alone from feeling like people are expecting stuff from me. I just need help, not from my family not from his, I don't have friends here, I don't know very many people in my ward to well. Right now I have my blog and my husband. I need help from you guys. I need you to help kick me back to a decent happy person. I need to kick this funk. I don't want to have to go to a doctor and get meds like Skyler thinks I should, I don't want to exactly talk to a counselor, I want to try on my own first, well with your help. I need ideas on what to do to let everything go. I need help. I know I do. Where do I start?

1 comment:

Long Road to Baby said...

You deserve your time alone. With Skyler. With Abi. With them both. In due time, you can branch out and let others have time with yall :)

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