Wednesday, August 10, 2011

PYHO: Body Image

I feel great. 
I feel awful.
I look good for having a baby 5 months ago.
I should look better, I did have my baby 5 months ago.

This back and forth goes through my head everyday. Even now as I type this all out I'm thinking, umm yes, it has been 5 months, you slacker! 

Body image, why is there such a flip flop, back and forth with you?! I love you, I hate you. We might be friends, I definitely don't like you. It is no surprise that you're body is completely different after you have a baby! You would think that your brain/heart would get this memo. 

If only there were a pill to fix it all. 
A pill for the saggy tummy. A pill for the stretch marks. A pill for the extra 10 lbs that you haven't lost yet. A pill to help you find motivation to workout. Fact is, I love my body, mostly. Every stretch mark and extra pound reminds me of the accomplishment I made, the trial we over came. I love it. I love my little girl and if my body reacts this way or worse after each baby I'll accept it. 

But the woman behind the mom, she feels different. She wakes up in the morning feeling great, jumps in the shower, puts her "sexy underwear" on, you know the kind that makes you feel good. She does her hair, her make up, shes feeling great. Then it comes time to find something to wear. This is wear she hurts. The jeans hug her thighs different than before, they button tighter, after being buttoned they hug the love handles making a nice muffin top. The shirts cling to the saggy tummy. They are too short, too stretched out. They just aren't right. Skirts? Are you kidding me?! They show off her very white legs, that once used to be tan. To top it off they just don't fit right anymore either. This woman doesn't feel beautiful. 

This woman doesn't do much about it. She'll have good weeks where she'll loose a few pounds. She'll feel great, then it just stops. She decides meh one more dr. pepper isn't going to kill her. She decides to buy and elliptical, which her husband uses, but she is yet to. And when she decides to try it out for the first time, it burns. It's hard to breathe. She can't handle it. She stops after 5 minutes. Only 5. She's disappointed. Now its too late. She has a baby to nurse, laundry to do, kitchen to clean, lunch to make. The scale isn't her friend. She promises to try harder tomorrow. Which she just might. She'll up her water intake. Won't eat after 8. We'll see how this goes. 

Her husband loves the way she looks. She doesn't understand though. She's not who she used to be. She'll get there though. Her family figures she should starve herself and workout like crazy. She won't. She nurses. She would rather spend as much time as possible with her baby, though she is motivated now to workout even if it's 5 minutes here and there.

That woman is inside me. I'm not sure if you have that woman in you, but it's there in me. I feel great, I feel fat. I have motivation but with lack of encouragement I lose all motivation. I just want to feel good. I want my family to zip it and get on with it. My mom had an eating disorder when she was younger, up until she had a heart attack about 11 years ago. Though she is unable to take care of herself she still thinks people need to be skinny. 
All 3 of my sister's have had a problem there. My sister, Sissy, goes through phases, with being anorexic, bullemic, now she just eats well and works out a bunch. My sister, L who is 17 and 9 mo pregnant has always been anorexic since I can remember, and her and my mom celebrate that she is still so skinny. She has gained weight, her baby is healthy and her pregnancy is great, she's doing the right thing, she just started out too too skinny, so now she's just too skinny. And my baby sister R, works out and is very strict with her diet. My brother is skinny and my dad is also. If you've gained any weight in my family, you're too different. It's noticeable. I feel awful, I feel great. They don't get how hard it is to lose weight without much motivation. 

All I know is it hurts. I know this wasn't too deep. Its just been on my mind this last week. Especially today. I needed to write something, anything.


Shell said...

It's such a big change after having a baby. Even if you lose all the weight, having a baby changes your body. I still battle between accepting it and wanting to change.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara,

It is really hard to adjust to the post-baby person we find ourselves encased within. Whether it is the way our clothes fit differently, or the lack of time we have for personal grooming, or the extra baby weight, it is hard to adjust to the difference. And when we do feel ok or acceptant for a minute, then we get these external pressures to deal with. Hang in there and try not to let those external pressures get you down. I know the struggles of trying to find clothes that fit; with nursing, I've lost weight everywhere, so that the only clothes that fit me in some places won't fit my muffin top! It can be frustrating, but we are moms now. Look at the ancient Roman art, where all beautiful women had small breasts and rounded bellies; they knew what real women looked like and revered them.

Di said...

I agree with Shell. I have lost the weight but my body shape has changed after the baby. My clothes fit me differently and I'm up a size or two because of it. I've accepted it because I know that it is because of Jellybean which is so worth it.

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