Why is that word so hard for me? Maybe it has something to do with the way my parents are. They don't do it very easily either.
Forgiveness.
Something we're supposed to do easily. I wish I was better at it. I still cringe (most times) at the thought of going to see my in-laws. My niece has her first birthday party this Saturday, and you know what, I don't want to go. No real surprise right? Well she is the daughter of SJ's sister Am, the one who majority of my problems with my in-laws are around.
Back to my parents, see my dad is all about "don't trust anyone" yaddah yaddah blah blah blah. If you screw my dad over once, he'll remember it and just not trust you the next time. If you do something to my mom, she's all "that no good, bleepity bleepity bleep." She'll forgive you most times, but its not without the constant reminder of how you "done screwed her over".
You know what that makes me. I'm the "don't trust any bleepity bleep, because they'll done screw ya over" type of person. I hold grudges. Like that SIL. She has made up lies about me & my brother Skipper. Well you know what?! I will not forgive "that no good, bleepity bleep!" I "don't trust" her anymore, she "done screwed me over". Ya that's right. I move on and I don't bring it up... all the time...just whenever something reminds me of it. I know shame on me. I'm not going to be a very good example to Miss A.
Truth is, I'm still hurt. I can't believe the things she's said to me, the lies she's told. I know I said one hurtful thing to her, but it could be taken either way really, but you know what?! I was hurt! I was completely pissed off! She's lucky I didn't stab her! Kidding. I only stab people in my head, and only the ones that really deserve it. I also can't forgive my BIL, when he told me I "only had a baby to fix" my marriage, I was about ready to puke. He doesn't know crap! He should probably be stabbed, mentally of course, too! I have never done anything to him. I don't really get too close to him because, I don't want to be hanging out with my husband's brother, just like my husband won't be hanging out with my sisters.
See this post turned into something written in anger. I'm MAD! I wanted to try and write something, make myself feel better, maybe even turn over a new leaf. I don't know. I know you're probably thinking, go talk to them. I've tried. I really have. Even calmly. I've told them they've lied, they don't know what they're talking about. I'm past that. I need to find forgiveness, but where?
Today I linked up with Shell, haven't linked up before? Check it out!
4 comments:
I think it's so hard to let go of past hurts. There's also an element of self-preservation in there- knowing they hurt you before, why let them have the chance again? I'm leery of people who have hurt me. I try to forgive and let them back in, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about what they did before.
Oh goodness, if you find the forgiveness answer, be a dear and share. I'm convinced that my SIL (husband's side of course) is actually Satan incarnate and I have anecdotal and empirical evidence to prove it! She even through a fit that I used a picture of her in a family calendar that made her look fat (or it could be that she's 50 lbs overweight ...). What's hard for me is forgiving "them" over and over and over when they NEVER (and yes, that's true, NEVER) apologize. It came to the breaking point where DH and I read the book BOUNDARIES and put some serious boundaries in place--like since they've managed to ruin 11 years worth of holidays (for everyone ... not just us), we refuse to spend the holidays with them. I can say that forgiving them is a lot easier now that I'm not putting myself in their line of fire! Good luck and if you need a mental accomplice, you know where to reach me :)
Forgiveness is easiest to find through acceptance. Just remind yourself that this is who they are, and limit your interactions with them. Seriously, once you accept that they are who they are, forgiveness comes easy! Good luck this weekend!
I pray. A LOT..like obsessively. So here is what I did. every time I thought of that person who made me upset. I said a prayer for them. every.single.stinkin.time. it helps like you wouldnt believe
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