Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Secrets

Secrets. 
We all have them. 
We all have someone else's to keep. 
I for one know that I have a chest locked up in my mind full of secrets. 
Secrets that I know would hurt so many people if they were brought out.
 I am an oldest daughter, an oldest sister. 
I am the keeper of secrets.

This past week has been crazy, heck the last two weeks my stomach has been in knots. Things are a mess. Being the oldest I'm told SOOOOO... many things. Things that make my stomach turn. Things that hurt my heart, have me worried. This last secret has been keeping me up at night, making me sweat. It involves my 19 year old sister. I'm not ready to get into details just yet, maybe in a few months. Maybe tomorrow, I don't know. 

Anyway, she told this secret a couple weeks ago. I was floored when I heard it. It was one of those, you have got to be kidding me. Then she just kept going. Kept spilling secrets. I kept thinking, "this is so bad" & "what about dad?" If my dad knew this secret, I know he would burst. He couldn't take it. It'd hurt too bad. He's already been through too much the past few years. 

Today (Monday) this secret was taken care of, for lack of better words. Lives have been changed, but not my dad's. He doesn't know what could have happened, what has happened. We had a girls chat yesterday, just me & two of my younger sisters, the youngest was at home. We talked about everything.

Secrets bring us together and pull us apart, but we're always sisters. The sister in laws I have gained through marrying SJ will never have the bond that we have, I've tried & it's just not going to happen, we can be civil to one another but that's about it, I'm done. The sister in law's I have through my brothers being married, well 2 of them will have somewhat of a good bond with, the other I will never forgive.

The secrets I keep eat at my insides. They make my nights restless.
Secrets, so bitter sweet. They bring you together, they tear you apart.



8 comments:

Infertile Mormon Mommy said...

Whoa... sounds like big stuff! My little sister and I share lots of secrets too... things by parents would never want to know about EITHER of us! But it's a sister thing! :) Oh and I linked up today too!

Cookie's Mom said...

Sara, I'm glad to hear things have been resolved somewhat. You have a heavy burden, but take comfort in knowing that you are the rock that others can count on. And remember to take care of yourself! Saying no sometimes is good for everyone! (hugs)

Shell said...

Sounds very stressful! I hope whatever is going on with your sister, she'll be okay.

Greta said...

It sounds like you carry a heavy burden as the big sister and receiver of secrets. I grew up with three brothers, so I don't know what it's like to have sisters. My SILs are wonderful, though. I'm really lucky to have them in my family. I wish that you could say the same, but it sounds like you and your siblings are close. Sending hugs!

Anonymous said...

You are right, we all have secrets! Yours sounds like heavy and very important, and I hope it will resolve in a good way..

We kept lots of secrets from my mom too, just to protect her, I guess!

Kitty Moore said...

It's so difficult being the keeper of secrets but obviously you are the wonderful kind of person whom others trust to keep their secrets; to listen without passing judgement and to care.

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Oh Sara, that sounds exhausting. I don't think I could handle the stress of being the oldest daughter! Sometimes I think being the baby is hard enough! I'm just happy to know that you have a bond with your sisters that can keep you all together even during the all of the secret telling in keeping! xo!

RoryBore said...

I guess this is one of the good things about being an only child....I don't know anyone's secrets.
I am not sure what I would do if I did? I cannot imagine the pressure of having to remain quiet, especially if it is hurtful. You are very strong secret keeper!

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