Saturday, March 19, 2011
I wanted to post this separately. I think it's amazing what kind of friends you can make through a blog. Miss Tiffany has become a pretty good friend of mine :) Though we mostly talk through comments and reading each other's blogs. I was able to text her today just to talk to help my mind relax and so I could blog it out and she's been too sweet and has been talking about whatever with me. :) So glad her and I found each other on here! :)
at 5:45 PM
The first step is admitting there's a problem right? My name is Sara and there is something seriously wrong with me. I'm sure I officially lost it. I messed up. I really did. I posted something on FB, yeah stupid f*cking Facebook, I'm thinking about getting rid of it completely since I can't just delete my in-laws. That would stir the pot for sure.
So I posted something like "we tell you a certain time to come over for a certain amount of time for a reason its not a suggestion." I was mad. It all started this morning. We showered and my mil called while I was getting ready, told Skyler she'd be over with his grandma and one of his aunts in half an hour. I don't want anyone over, anyone at all. I just want to be at home with Abby and Skyler and Scout. I don't want to go anywhere today. Just stay at home as a family.
So I was slightly irritated I rudely told him go clean then, and that he needs to ask next time because Abby eats any time between now and half an hour after they would get here. He said he'd just give her a bottle of formula... (ick I'd rather her not take the formula, I like BFing) Well I'm getting ready and he comes and freaks out, What do I do all week when I'm at home? Why doesn't anything get done?
And wasn't his little sister's baby shower today? Why didn't I go? Blah Blah Blah. I honestly forgot about the baby shower, I remembered before I showered and that was at like 12:30, and her shower was at 11. I really forgot, I didn't have a gift either, that would have been bad to show up 2 hours late without a gift. Hmmm. It hurt. I didn't want to fight with him I was having a great time with him. Things have been better in our relationship since January. After the whole early labor scare things have just worked themselves out.
Well his family shows up like 45 min late, I just hung out in my room after I opened the door, and was cleaning, I came out didn't talk to anyone, I just washed my pump and a bottle and they asked a few questions I answered and went back to my room. After they left I posted that. Then realized I should have and deleted it. But in the 5 minutes it was up his sister in law and sister got on and saw it and flipped out. His brother called, saying his mom and grandma were hurt and everyone is mad that I don't like them and Skyler just flipped.
I don't blame him for being mad but, he could have just talked to me. I was just hurt from what he had said earlier. But its more than that and I know it. There's stuff I need to talk about with people, stuff I should have talked about with people a long time ago. When I was in 6th grade my parents adopted my older cousin Danny, I wasn't the oldest anymore and he didn't help with self esteem issues. At that same time my mom started having heart attacks and strokes, conveniently they only happened when she was with me. Why? After being pulled out of school to take care of my 4 younger siblings because my older brother couldn't I should have asked to talk to someone. I just needed someone to talk to, but no, I started doing what I continue to do now, I just said man up and take care of the problem yourself. This is my problem. I should have asked for help, I should have found someone to talk to.
I let everyone else use me. My family, my so called friends. Everyone. I don't like to talk about stuff right away, and I hate to let people know that I can't handle something. In the last almost 4 years Skyler & I have been together we've had so many problems because I just can't ask for help. I think I can handle everything and have handled everything by myself, but I can't. The things that started causing me to do this still haunt me.
I don't know what a relationship should be like. I don't know how families should be. I could write for days on what's gone on in my life. I probably will start writing it out so I can at least say hey it's out there. I don't want people to feel bad, I want someone to help me. I'm ready for it. I don't know if you'd say I am depressed. I don't know whats wrong.
I know it's not post postpartum, I love my baby and I love everything that has to do with her, I love our feedings early in the morning and I love how she has a mind of her own when it comes to schedules. I have energy I'm fine getting up and doing stuff. I just don't want to clean, I don't want to be around anyone really, I need to figure things out with myself and how I won't mess my child up. I need time with just her. I need to just be left alone from feeling like people are expecting stuff from me. I just need help, not from my family not from his, I don't have friends here, I don't know very many people in my ward to well. Right now I have my blog and my husband. I need help from you guys. I need you to help kick me back to a decent happy person. I need to kick this funk. I don't want to have to go to a doctor and get meds like Skyler thinks I should, I don't want to exactly talk to a counselor, I want to try on my own first, well with your help. I need ideas on what to do to let everything go. I need help. I know I do. Where do I start?
at 4:53 PM
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Miss A had her 2 week check up, well 10 days! I can't believe she's that old all ready! She is now weighing in at 7 lbs 1.6 oz! She is 20 in long! Healthy as ever! She did amazing on that PKU test I was telling you that I was scared of her having to do. She didn't even wake up! I'm hoping that means that shots will go pretty well too! Though I don't expect it to. You always have to expect the worse when it comes to shots and checks up at the doctors I've decided. So when I goes bad (as in baby crying/screaming) then you were ready for it and if it goes good then it feels that much better!
Had to post this picture. I love it. She loves to smack at her daddy so there are several pictures like this on my phone but with a blurry little arm moving towards his face :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
At 8 days old I made my first trip (besides the dr's appt) up the street to grandma & grandpa's house. I had cute little jeans on and a pink shirt. I also had a very cute bow on but wanted it off! My auntie ray ray likes to hold me and take pictures with me every time she sees me.Oh and about 7:12 pm, my umbilical cord fell off! Isn't my tummy cute?! Mommy is strange and took a picture of the cord before she tossed it. It's on her camera and it just might be added to this post once she finds the camera cord.
My Grandma Wilkinson came over and brought my dad's little sister with her. Mom is very upset because Grandpa Wilkinson is home sick and dad's older sister's family all is sick and Grandma is always seeing them, and still decided it was okay to come over.
Mom & dad also got my hospital pictures in. Mom should be posting those soon but for now she's going to love me.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
We took A to see Dr. O, on Tuesday for her 3 day check up. She was down to 6lbs 2.5 oz. He said everything looked great, and that we were to feed her whenever she wanted. He also let us know that we needed to come back between 10 & 14 days old to do her 2 week check up where they will do the PKU test part 2. Meaning they will stick her little heel and squeeze out blood to cover 7 circles on this piece of paper I have. Blah, I don't know how I'll be able to handle that, I mean shots are fine but drawing blood and squeezing her foot? SJ said it's sad, he saw it the first time it was done and I guess her little lip quivers and she starts to scream. I hope it goes by fast and that I can get her to calm down fast after. I'm so glad Skyler gets to come with me. This was also her first outing since we got home from the hospital!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
This is my last Friday morning waking up with just the puppy. I can't believe how fast time has gone, I feel like this week is flying by. I am more than excited to see my little girl and to finally have my sweet little baby in the nursery. When she gets here it will be just a few days short of 28 months since Skyler and I started trying to have a baby. 28 months. Those 28 months have been quite the ride. I'm glad I decided to write out some of what has been going on in that time. It's strange to look back at some posts and realize, wow, I didn't see this happening. Seeing the pictures of my belly at 5 weeks and even 20 weeks seem like yesterday, but at the same time seem like they happened a long time ago.
This post might be quite lengthy. I've been meaning to post the last few days. I have pictures to post from last week. I have stories, pretty much everything. Pictures will have to wait till tomorrow to be added though, I'm in the living room and my phone cord is in the bedroom. This Monday/Tuesday I got a new symptom of pregnancy. PUPPS. That's right, the stupid rash that I remember seeing about 1% of pregnant women get, and only 30% of those women are pregnant with girls. It itches uncontrollably. I layer with anti-itch cream, a moisturizing lotion and take a benadryl. I would call in to go to the doctors but what's a few days wait. I can control the itching, I don't scratch at it, though I do want to just lean over and scratch all my skin off most of the time.
My mother in law calls Skyler once a week. **Side note: this is more than she's ever called** She calls to see if we've had the baby yet, because she doesn't think we'll tell her. Seriously? Oh and might I add a WTF?! Really lady? Why in the heck would we not call? Oh because we don't call you every time I freakin' sneeze? This family is starting to drive me up the wall. We told her 4 days after we found out we were pregnant. My family found out 3 days besides of course Steven who knew sooner because well he lived with us and so did his son and needed to know I'd need more help around the house. We told his siblings at 12 weeks, shouldn't be a big deal. Everyone was told the same time when we found out what we were having, we each sent a text out on our phones to our family at the exact same time. Oh and before that when I had that biopsy done, no sh!t we didn't tell anyone, I talked to my family about it because I have 3 sisters and they needed to make sure they checked for things like that, also my mom was to babysit me while Skyler slept (he had a graveyard shift the night before my surgery, got home about 1 hour before), oh and because breast cancer runs in my moms family and I needed information.
I'm the kind of person that doesn't want everyone to know what's going on, especially family. It stresses me out knowing that more people are waiting. I'd rather wait it out with just a few people and if I could just Skyler. That's why when I go in Monday night, Skyler will be the only one there. Our phones will be on silent in my bag if not completely turned off. People will be notified when we have her, BUT only grandparents are allowed to see them at the hospital when WE WANT them to come, which won't be till Tuesday evening sometime. I want to spend the time after the delivery with my husband and my daughter. I want to relax and take it all in. I WILL have set hours written and posted in my front window as to when people can come visit. Oh and no children. Skyler's nephews are always gross and sick. They will not be coming over. My nephew Cadin, aka the Moose, will be coming to the hospital on Tuesday with my mom. Skyler and I have talked about it, and we do not want him to feel like he is being replaced by Abigail. We want him to be close with her, to know that we love him just the same. He is able to come by, but his situation is different. It's not a your family, my family type thing. This was a mutual agreement. If Skyler's family says something I may kill. Okay, I wouldn't actually kill anyone or physically hurt someone in case someone thinks I actually might, but you know what I mean right? They will leave crying.
Hmmm... I lost my train of though, got distracted with Facebook. It's time for me to part from the computer now, I'm way past my 9:00 limit of being lazy. I'll be back tomorrow morning with my last weekly pregnancy update.
Hope everyone is doing well.
at 8:55 AM
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I can't believe it's March 1st already. Time is flying by. I had my 38 w 2 day appointment yesterday, and boy has my life been changed! We'll start with a few of the little things. Gained a couple pounds, dilated to a 2, and still 50% effaced, membranes were scraped and an induction was set for Monday March 7th at 5 pm. That's right, I will be induced unless she decides not to come before then. My official last OB appt is Monday at 4:15, I will be checked again, and then we'll head across the street to start the Cervadil at 5pm, then about 3am or so they'll take that out and start the Pitocin, and the Doc says after that we should have our baby girl early Tuesday morning. It's only a week away. That's not that much longer. I can't wait to meet her! I would have posted this all sooner but that exam really did me in again, I just didn't want to do anything, contractions and cramping like crazy and just overall feeling blah. I felt like I had so much to say, thats why I called it talkative Tuesday, before my wordless Wednesday post, but I guess after writing it all out it's not really that much. Hope everyone is doing well!
at 7:37 AM