The Scale.

I wasn't planning on writing a post today, I couldn't think of anything to pour my heart out about. Then it happened. I stepped on the scale. No weight gain, nor weight loss. I was still at my lowest pre-pregnancy, TTC weight. I've made it a month with a steady weight. I'm thrilled, makes me feel good. Yesterday I wore my skinny jeans, they fit great, just a little of a saggy tummy, but oh well. They were on, and I could breathe!  

Just the morning before Skyler was saying how we were coming up on starting to TTC #2. Which was on my mind for the rest of the morning, so when the weight thought was running around, it reminded me of the first round of TTC. It was difficult, PCOS is not friendly, though I know I was on the easier side of it. The Metformin was awful, I got so sick, and lost the weight, that they said I might. (I wasn't over weight, I was still in the good range, just had gained 15-20 lbs since I had gotten married.) I was at the number I am at now when I got pregnant. It's just a number. But that number makes me cringe when it goes up, makes me wonder if I'll have to get on Metformin again. I worry about any kind of weight gain. It's pathetic. It hurts. 

I was emailing with someone who is currently TTC #1 and her doctor suggested a counselor for her to see. I wish my doctor would have suggested that. I held it together, mostly, but deep down I was hurting. Too much for me to handle on my own. I'm sure people could tell. I talked to people about it, why didn't someone say something to me? Suggest someone to talk to? 

While going through marriage counseling I told Sky that maybe I needed to talk to someone about the things that were affecting me from my childhood, and he said sure, but it was never brought up again. I wasn't brave enough to bring it up after that one moment of courage.

 I hope if I'm ever in that place again, or near it, someone will speak up. I just want to know why? It's so easy for them to tell others what to do, but when I'm obviously in need of help/suggestion, why didn't they? It hurts to think they wouldn't say anything, but we're all so quick to judge. My in-laws that would be. My family understood, they talked to me, didn't judge, knew what I was going through and tried. But my in-laws, after they knew what I had gone through they continued to judge me. Judge me on past emotions. It's not fair. I'm hurt still, but I now have friends, blog friends, people that listen to me, let me pour my heart out.  

I hope you know, that every comment is appreciated, it makes my day to see you cared enough to say hello.  

Thanks Shell for letting me join you to pour my heart out!