Thursday, June 26, 2014

Matter & Mind.

This. Those that have been around long enough know that my relationship with my in-laws hasn't been all that peachy. It's been rough to say the least. At one point through all the drama we sat down and agreed to just drop the past and move on. That moment was 3 years ago. I've gone half way and continue to wait for them to do their part. For the first almost year I had hope that things would be better, then the last two years I started to heavily blame myself. Things have been eating at me. Have I not changed? Am I not a good person? What can I do? What have I done? I knew I had so much hate in my heart towards them, and with each day that passed I wasn't sure if it was growing or shrinking.

 I picked up a book from the library that had a chapter about Forgiveness and Mercy, and thought it would help me better myself, help me change. Just with hope that it would make things better. The book did the opposite of what I thought it would. I thought it would show me my wrongs and show me how to move on. It in the end helped me realize that I am where I need to be. I am constantly try to grow and change. I have opened my heart to the idea of a great relationship with them, all I can do now is sit and wait. So what does that saying have to do with anything? 

I feel like I can't open up to them. I feel like there is this person trapped inside while I'm around them. I'm always careful of what I say and most of the time don't say too much if anything for fear of their opinions. Every time I see this saying I just wish I could be me all of the time, and not feel that need of approval from anyone.  How can you have a good true relationship if you can't be yourself?

Have you ever been in this type of situation, where you just can't be you? How did you deal with it? 

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1 comment:

Just Miss C said...

I can completely relate. I have a relative who I feel like I can just not be myself around. I am very shy to begin with but I feel like when I try to be who I am I get criticized. It makes it hard for me to speak my mind. The thing I've learned is that I can forgive the person and try to keep the peace but at the same time I've gotten better at speaking my mind. I've realized sometimes you have to put yourself first. Sometimes this person complains and yells and sometimes they actually get it. So, you just have to go with your gut.

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