In-law Drama & Babies.

I'm not sure what makes my in-laws do the things they do. I am however very tired of the way they question every decision I make. 

For example, the fact that I didn't want any visitors while I was in labor with Miss A, my mom and baby sister took me to the hospital and waited till my husband showed up then left to pick up around my house & love my dog. My younger sister stopped by with food for the husband that night, weren't there for more than 5 minutes total. 

Or that I didn't want kids or very many visitors in the hospital after I had her. I didn't need a crowded room while I was relaxing and enjoying my first hours as a mom. (If you like to do that, that's fine I'm not judging, its just not what I wanted to have happen.)

Every time they threw a fit. Complaining, saying it was weird. Like when they got mad because I was tired of people showing up whenever with whoever they wanted after I got home and said something about it. My house, my baby, my rules. 

The newest thing is the fact that I'm having my girls share a room. I just finished putting the toddler bed back into the nursery & setting up the new crib. They fit perfect in that room together. I grew up always sharing a room, I loved it. Once I was older I got my own room, just when I started feeling like I needed my own space. And again, my house, my girls, my rules. 

Every one parents different. My husband and I have agreed on a certain way that makes us all comfortable and happy. It's worked for us for over 2 years now. My sisters and their boyfriends choose to parent different than us, as do my brother, his fiance and his son's mom. They do what works for them. I might not agree with their styles, but they know their kids and I'm gonna keep my mouth shut, it's not my place. 

Having our new addition joining us so soon really has me on edge. I'm not ready for any drama with my in-laws. They're just going to need to accept that I do things different than them. I don't want an audience at the birth of Miss M, Miss A will be with my family, we'll only have a few visitors at the actual hospital and then people can schedule a time to visit at home after. It's really that simple. 

I don't know what to do. I'm starting to stress out about what they're going to do. I don't need my brother in law telling me that I need medication, because I like things a certain way. (Still can't believe he said that, I should have strangled him.)

 But really friends, what do you do? 

Sunday Social.

1. 5 items you can't live without on a daily basis(water, food, shelter, and clothes dont count) 

Iphone, something with caffeine in it (cup of coffee/diet coke)

Netflix, mascara & a hair dryer.

2. All time favorite book? Why?

There has really only been one book, that I've read over & over again.

Seriously, love the notebook. Don't know why I've read it so many times, I know the story. Just something about it draws me back over & over again.

3. Something you'd like to accomplish before the end of 2012

I want to read 30 books. I read like 2-3 a week lately but I want to keep it up. I've enjoyed reading so much the last couple months, I don't know why I even stopped.

4. If you could go back and relive any year of your life which year would it be?

2008. I feel like that year was rushed. I'd also love to do my wedding day again.

5. What do you wish people knew about you without you having to tell them?

A lot of people (my in-laws) seem to think that me being quiet & keeping to myself is me being rude.

I'm shy, always have been, though lately I feel I'm growing out of it. Seriously it freaks me out to have to go see someone I don't know that well, or visit people I don't see that often, makes me sick. My in-laws have always thought that me not being super outgoing or loud, or telling them every detail of my life is a bad thing. It's just who I am.

Annoying Sounds.

10 Sounds I find Super Annoying.


1. Nails being clipped. Umm gross!
2. Gum being chewed. 
3. The voices of any of my In-laws.
4. People who chew with their mouths open.
5. Alarm clocks.
6. Dripping faucets.
7.Fireworks.
8.Dogs barking too early in the morning or too late at night.
9. When forks or spoons scrape against plates or bowls. 
10. Husband's phone buzzing early in the morning. 

And to end with a positive note,


Sounds that I love.


1. A spelling her name.
2. A's giggles.
3. Should probably just say anytime A says anything.
4. Rain.
5. Thunder.
6. Hearing a baby's heartbeat while you're pregnant. (I looked forward to every Dr's appt while I was pregnant with A.)
7. The sound of coffee being made or ice cream being scooped. ha!





Oh & p.s. check out this super cute giveaway!

Trying.

I feel lost right now. Maybe lost isn't the right word. I find myself searching for a change.Searching for something to make life different. I love my life, don't get me wrong.I just feel like I'm not doing enough.

 I haven't blogged much lately, I feel like I need to figure things out. Need to find a direction to go. I have some really fun ideas, I just need to actually do it. After blogging about my in-laws, I made one last attempt at trying to get a conversation started with them. Nothing in response. I'm over it, but I know that's not where response I should have. I  feel stuck, like it's an obligation to be friends with Skyler's family. I feel like if I don't things will go bad, again, but at the same time I don't have anymore room for hurt & disappointment from them.  

I just need to get over this bump. I may have forgiven, though I'm not sure, but I definitely haven't forgotten. I've received a lot of comments on prior blog posts concerning my in-laws and many of those suggest prayer. Pray for them. I've tried. I've spent many nights praying for them, praying for me to forgive them, for me to be able to forget & move one. I've prayed for the ability to understand them. 

It hasn't worked. I'm sick of praying for them. I know that is when I should pray, I just can't anymore. It has been over a year, I still have dreams of arguments. I can't do it. How else do you forgive & forget when the other side, hasn't done anything? I just need to be able to push them out of my mind, but I can't. I'm stuck with them forever. 

I'm trying. I'm trying to better myself. Trying to stay positive on everything. Trying to figure it out. Trying to forgive. Trying to forget. I don't what more to do. I'm just in a state of blah when it comes to the situation. I'm just here. Trying to figure it all out. 

PYHO

I'm at a standstill.

I'm just here, waiting.

Waiting to see what happens.

Waiting to see what if I can figure out what to do next.

You see, it's been a year since (almost to the day) that  I had "the talk" with my in-laws.

A year since: I told them about all the lies their favorite sister told, since I told them how much they suck at being in-laws, called them on all the times they broke plans without telling me, how I waited for hours to hear from them and got nothing.

A year since I told them I wasn't outgoing, I kept to myself and don't like everyone in on everything ALL the time. A year since I told them if they would just give me time I would get to know them and things could be better. 

A year since they tried to break up my marriage. A year since they said I only had A to try and save my marriage. A year since they told husband to choose between me & A, and them. A year since I had accepted that my marriage was over because of the group of idiots my husband is related to.

You see, in that year, I opened up my heart and life, to allow them into it, and you know what, I got nothing. No phone calls, no texts, emails, nothing. I wasn't invited to anything, no plans were ever made. Nothing. They live 2 minutes away. They get together. They go out. They make plans. I'm not included.

What do I do? I've talked to my husband. He says I should keep trying with them. I'm over it. I'm to the point that I don't care if A doesn't see them or know them. It's not like they make an effort to see her or know her. I don't know what to do. It's been a year, they haven't changed. I just don't know anymore. Is it even worth it? What would you do?

Happy 2nd anniversary PYHO! 

The Scale.

I wasn't planning on writing a post today, I couldn't think of anything to pour my heart out about. Then it happened. I stepped on the scale. No weight gain, nor weight loss. I was still at my lowest pre-pregnancy, TTC weight. I've made it a month with a steady weight. I'm thrilled, makes me feel good. Yesterday I wore my skinny jeans, they fit great, just a little of a saggy tummy, but oh well. They were on, and I could breathe!  

Just the morning before Skyler was saying how we were coming up on starting to TTC #2. Which was on my mind for the rest of the morning, so when the weight thought was running around, it reminded me of the first round of TTC. It was difficult, PCOS is not friendly, though I know I was on the easier side of it. The Metformin was awful, I got so sick, and lost the weight, that they said I might. (I wasn't over weight, I was still in the good range, just had gained 15-20 lbs since I had gotten married.) I was at the number I am at now when I got pregnant. It's just a number. But that number makes me cringe when it goes up, makes me wonder if I'll have to get on Metformin again. I worry about any kind of weight gain. It's pathetic. It hurts. 

I was emailing with someone who is currently TTC #1 and her doctor suggested a counselor for her to see. I wish my doctor would have suggested that. I held it together, mostly, but deep down I was hurting. Too much for me to handle on my own. I'm sure people could tell. I talked to people about it, why didn't someone say something to me? Suggest someone to talk to? 

While going through marriage counseling I told Sky that maybe I needed to talk to someone about the things that were affecting me from my childhood, and he said sure, but it was never brought up again. I wasn't brave enough to bring it up after that one moment of courage.

 I hope if I'm ever in that place again, or near it, someone will speak up. I just want to know why? It's so easy for them to tell others what to do, but when I'm obviously in need of help/suggestion, why didn't they? It hurts to think they wouldn't say anything, but we're all so quick to judge. My in-laws that would be. My family understood, they talked to me, didn't judge, knew what I was going through and tried. But my in-laws, after they knew what I had gone through they continued to judge me. Judge me on past emotions. It's not fair. I'm hurt still, but I now have friends, blog friends, people that listen to me, let me pour my heart out.  

I hope you know, that every comment is appreciated, it makes my day to see you cared enough to say hello.  

Thanks Shell for letting me join you to pour my heart out! 

PYHO

I've never done this before. Diana is opening my blogging world up. I always see her doing it. So today I'm linking up with Shell. Diana talked about needing friends that are always there and it put whatever I was going to blog about somewhere that I've forgotten. It made me go, ya know what?! I have family that does the same darn thing!
So it's no surprise that my hubs family and I don't get along. I had a huge long post written about all the horrific stuff they done to me. The lies, everything. And decided it's not really that, it's the comments. The one "I don't think we can be close because I'm pregnant and you're not", the "You think that having a baby will fix problems in your marriage, it won't." These are the comments that make me want to puke. Make me honestly, want to effing punch someone.

I needed friends when we weren't getting pregnant, and most of our problems revolved around our infertility problems, yes I'll admit it, I let it hurt our marriage. I was so alone though. I felt and still even feel out of place when it comes to blogging, even though I tried to blog to get something. I felt and still feel like I fit in somewhere when I read blogs. I feel like I'm let in on your lives as a friend. I don't have anyone that I can really truly call a friend, outside of family. The friends I started out with from childhood all live in California and I moved to Utah at 16, and only did 1 year of highschool before I graduated. I don't have anyone I can just call up and be like Hey, come over. Hey let's go out. Hey, I'm having a break down. All I've wanted are friends, even if they are from my in-laws. People I could depend on, and all these people have done is criticize and say hurtful things about me. So what if I don't like my husband telling you how much he makes. He makes enough money to pay our mortgage and all the other stuff, so I can be a SAHM. That's all you need to know. Some months we do great, others not so great. You don't need a number. So what if I don't tell you we're trying to get pregnant, or when we plan on having a second one, because I'm scared that it won't happen anytime soon, though we'll probably start next year. So what if I don't tell you guys every detail of everything, or want people in the delivery room. My husband is my secret holder, the one who has seen me at both my best and my worst, I don't need the extra questions the extra worry if you aren't going to ask me questions, call me, or tell me your secrets. It's not a one way street.

I could go on and on about all their drama and such, and I have. I'm working on it though. All I know is, they all live withing 5-10 mins from me, (only one is about 10) the other 3 are very close, and I see them ummm, maybe 5 or 6 times a year. They've been to my house maybe 10 times, and we've lived here for a little over 2 years. No one just calls to do stuff. Heck they can call to see if I want to go grocery shopping with them or call to see if I can talk to them while they clean. My mom, my sisters, brothers and I do that all the time. I just try and try and they say it's me, so I change and still nothing.

I know this post is all over the place. I just can't seem to pour this out enough. My heart just hurts. I have a feeling I'll most definitely be pouring my heart out more often.