The Last Few Days.

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I don't know what it is lately that's got me down. 

Okay so I lied, I do. 

We started the TTC roller coaster a few months back, we're just barely starting the ride. I thought I could be stronger this time around, but you know what, it still hurts.

Pregnancy announcements from friends make me so happy, I really am so very happy for them. Pregnancy announcements from my super fertile family, meh not so much. Pregnancy scares from in-laws, meh even less, what's with that family?

I don't know what it is. 

Lying again. 

It's because we're starting over again, & I'm not sure I'm strong enough.

What hurts most and has put me in a strange rut this week, was a couple things my husband has said. 

"Are you baby hungry, because I am, I want to have another baby in the house now."

"Is anything growing in there, is there something in there growing to join our family?"

(While so kindly poking at the fat on my stomach.)

I know this is just the start of our journey, but how long this one will be, I don't know. 

It'd be much easier to have a timeline to just look at & go, oh I see THAT is when it's going to happen. Then just go on planning on that.

Honestly, 25/30 days I'm fine, I'm cautiously optimistic. I don't get my hopes up, I remember all that I have and so appreciative for that. It's just the last few that bring me down. 

The last few that have me pondering whether I'm up for this journey again or not. 

It's during the last few that I pray a little harder, squeeze my husband just a bit tighter, give my daughter hugs & kisses just a bit more often.

It's the last few days that I find myself clinging to my support group the friends I have made through blogging. 

Knowing I can come to my blog & be me, or just escape gives me a little extra push through the last few days.

p.s. A super cute blogger is having her first giveaway today! Go check it out!
& another super cute blogger is celebrating her Etsy shop's grand opening here!

PYHO

I'm at a standstill.

I'm just here, waiting.

Waiting to see what happens.

Waiting to see what if I can figure out what to do next.

You see, it's been a year since (almost to the day) that  I had "the talk" with my in-laws.

A year since: I told them about all the lies their favorite sister told, since I told them how much they suck at being in-laws, called them on all the times they broke plans without telling me, how I waited for hours to hear from them and got nothing.

A year since I told them I wasn't outgoing, I kept to myself and don't like everyone in on everything ALL the time. A year since I told them if they would just give me time I would get to know them and things could be better. 

A year since they tried to break up my marriage. A year since they said I only had A to try and save my marriage. A year since they told husband to choose between me & A, and them. A year since I had accepted that my marriage was over because of the group of idiots my husband is related to.

You see, in that year, I opened up my heart and life, to allow them into it, and you know what, I got nothing. No phone calls, no texts, emails, nothing. I wasn't invited to anything, no plans were ever made. Nothing. They live 2 minutes away. They get together. They go out. They make plans. I'm not included.

What do I do? I've talked to my husband. He says I should keep trying with them. I'm over it. I'm to the point that I don't care if A doesn't see them or know them. It's not like they make an effort to see her or know her. I don't know what to do. It's been a year, they haven't changed. I just don't know anymore. Is it even worth it? What would you do?

Happy 2nd anniversary PYHO! 

PYHO.

Sunday afternoon, we were driving to return a couple movies. On our way, I noticed a house, filled with cars and people outside. It didn't look right. Later I noticed the same. That evening when we were heading to family dinner with my parents, my mom told me that the teenage boy that lived there was taken by Life Flight. We found out that he had later passed on, he had committed suicide. 

The next morning I saw post after post on Facebook, from people grieving for the family. People remembering this sweet young boy. My sister knew him from school, he was kind, accepted my sister for who she is. Then today, there was an announcement at her school that another kid had again committed suicide. 

Bullying. 

That's the cause of these two losses. Two kids, were pushed so far, that it just didn't seem worth it anymore. Two families are without their sons, brothers, and so much more. I know there have been many things in the news about this, but to have it so close to home, makes it even more real. 

I was bullied in school. My brother was bullied. My sister was bullied and she was brave enough to bring it up and the administrator told her to "stay away from the girl". I worry for my youngest sister. She's a sweet person, emotional, strong. But different. She's being bullied. She stands up for herself though, she gives it back. Calls people on it. Stands up for kids being bullied, but how much can she take? I can't believe that two kids from the same school in the same week, deciding they couldn't take it anymore. I fear for what school will be like when A goes. 

These are fears that everyone has for their kids I'm sure. Just today, this week, it's on my mind. 

Will things change? Will this school realize they are doing something wrong somewhere? 

PYHO: Survive.

Life has been kicking us lately. 

Sky's "on-the-side" income dropped like to nothing out of no where, right when we needed that "extra" money the most. 

It seemed like the bills were piling, up. Wait they were. They were piling up, way over our heads. 

$2000 here. Another $300 there. 

Oh then Sky's student loan payments popped up. Great. That's another $500. 

I tried doing day care, first it was the "demon child" that didn't work out. Then it was Eli, and his dad broke his hand so that took away gym time which took by day care from me. It happens. 

Sky works 74 miles (one way) away from home. He drives 148 miles a day. 

You don't even want to know how much we pay in gas a month, just for his car. 

Okay, to make my point, it's AT LEAST $400, a month. 

Oh and his "great job with potential to move up" was a load of... well ya know. 

He was stuck.

We were stuck. 

What in the heck do we do?! 

There was no way we could survive another month or two. We filed our taxes ASAP so we could get that money and hopefully survive a little longer.

Sky constantly looks for jobs closer to us. He's interviewed at a few places. All of those places wasted his time. Their ads said they would pay what he need but that was a load too. 

Just when we decided to start looking out of state, he got a call. This job would be 29 miles away from home. He could take the train to work.

He got an interview. 

When he got home, he exchanged emails back and forth between the owner, and the guy he would work with. He got another call today.

They want him. They are going to write up an offer and send it to him in the next couple days.

They know what he wants. They can afford it. Now it just comes to  the chase. What can they offer. Why should we choose them? 

Well DUH, we will choose them, anything they can offer is better than his current place.

We're going to survive. 

It's moments like this, that I know someone somewhere is looking out for me.

Friendship.

I had this friend, Cody. We actually met online when I lived in Cali. He was one of my best friends, we would talk on the phone for hours, we have so much in common. Large families, half mexican, half white, one parent with health problems, same religious background, just tons in common. When I moved to Utah, he moved to Utah and lived with his Aunt & cousins, he also got a job working with my Aunt & Uncle. My sister would always joke that we would get married. Then he left. After he left, I met Skyler and when I announced we were getting married, he sent me an email.

I was surprised to hear from him. Happy even. Until I read it. He told me that I was stupid for getting married so young. He expected better from me. And a whole bunch of other rude crap. I couldn't believe it. Why would someone send something so hurtful? My best friend even. So why I do I tell you this?

Well Cody posted on good ole Facebook, that he's engaged. The first thing I thought, was I'm so happy for him. Then I remembered what he had done to me, and I wanted to do the same back to him. Show him what it feels like to have your friend treat you like that. I didn't. I made sure to tell him congrats. It felt good. It felt better when I got a text from him telling me thanks, and asking for my address. 

I just couldn't do it to him. He's my friend, he was my best friend at some point and just to clear it up, we never dated and never thought/talked about it. I tried to keep in contact after I got married, it didn't work too well. He was always changing his number, doing this, doing that. I miss my best friend. I wish him the best. I want him to be happy. I want him to enjoy life. I want him back in my life. He lives in another state, it'd be nice to know that we can still be friends, especially now with him getting married. 

After this happened, I went to my in-law's Superbowl party. (BLAH!) Nothing has changed there. Yeah, I'll sit there and talk to them, but outside of their get together's, I get nothing from them. The worst SIL of all, well I guess I can't say worst, let's say the one I've had the most problems with, she asked her Step-Sister to come help her decorate her house right in front of me, after asking me tons of times to help her, I've just been waiting on her. I can't do it. I need a friend back. I need one IRL. Someone I can say, hey meet me here, or hey, come over I'm cleaning and want to talk. 

I just feel like there isn't a place for me, other than at home with A, like I don't fit in somewhere else. I don't know what brought this on, it couldn't have just been that announcement. Right now, I'm just feeling blah! 

Rut.

(view this morning)

Some days I wake up motivated. I want to get ready for the day. I want to go out and window shop. I want my house to be clean, and you know what, all that happens. I do get up and get ready, I do go out and window shop and my house is cleaned. I used to be like that with my blog too. I used to post twice a day. GAH! I know, a little crazy right? What?! I wanted you guys to like me, I wanted variety on my blog.

See the thing is, I don't feel too motivated anymore. I still get up, get ready, leave the house, but when it comes to my blog, I feel like I'm not excited about it anymore. I love comments, I love reading your posts & getting to know you better. I just feel like I got into habit of linking up. (Look what I'm doing now, ha!) Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the link-ups that I link up with! LOVE THEM! I just don't seem to think for myself anymore. I know Monday Listicles, will have a great topic, Target Tuesday is great, The Nail Files, are fun. I just think the only time I have to think for myself is Wednesday. Maybe Thursday. I don't post on the weekend. I spend time with my family...

I just feel like, maybe I'm lost. Maybe I depend on you guys too much? I know I don't always have to link up, but I like it. Hmmm... what's a girl to do? What should I write about? I need to take over my blog, write about what I want to write about, post when I want to post. Maybe that means you get to see a couple posts a day from me, or maybe just a couple a week. It's mine. I just don't know if I can kick myself up out of this rut. So again, I'll ask, what do you like to see? Tutorials? DIY craft things? Food? I can really try about anything. I'm pretty open. 

Linking up with Shell, to Pour My Heart Out and let you know, I'm in a blogging rut and I need to do something about it! 

P.S. Yesterday was day # 2 without soda!! YAY! Also, I added some rosette hair clips OR pins to my Etsy Shop! And just in case you didn't stop by yesterday, check out my post where we get to know The Preppy Girl In Pink a little bit better!

The Scale.

I wasn't planning on writing a post today, I couldn't think of anything to pour my heart out about. Then it happened. I stepped on the scale. No weight gain, nor weight loss. I was still at my lowest pre-pregnancy, TTC weight. I've made it a month with a steady weight. I'm thrilled, makes me feel good. Yesterday I wore my skinny jeans, they fit great, just a little of a saggy tummy, but oh well. They were on, and I could breathe!  

Just the morning before Skyler was saying how we were coming up on starting to TTC #2. Which was on my mind for the rest of the morning, so when the weight thought was running around, it reminded me of the first round of TTC. It was difficult, PCOS is not friendly, though I know I was on the easier side of it. The Metformin was awful, I got so sick, and lost the weight, that they said I might. (I wasn't over weight, I was still in the good range, just had gained 15-20 lbs since I had gotten married.) I was at the number I am at now when I got pregnant. It's just a number. But that number makes me cringe when it goes up, makes me wonder if I'll have to get on Metformin again. I worry about any kind of weight gain. It's pathetic. It hurts. 

I was emailing with someone who is currently TTC #1 and her doctor suggested a counselor for her to see. I wish my doctor would have suggested that. I held it together, mostly, but deep down I was hurting. Too much for me to handle on my own. I'm sure people could tell. I talked to people about it, why didn't someone say something to me? Suggest someone to talk to? 

While going through marriage counseling I told Sky that maybe I needed to talk to someone about the things that were affecting me from my childhood, and he said sure, but it was never brought up again. I wasn't brave enough to bring it up after that one moment of courage.

 I hope if I'm ever in that place again, or near it, someone will speak up. I just want to know why? It's so easy for them to tell others what to do, but when I'm obviously in need of help/suggestion, why didn't they? It hurts to think they wouldn't say anything, but we're all so quick to judge. My in-laws that would be. My family understood, they talked to me, didn't judge, knew what I was going through and tried. But my in-laws, after they knew what I had gone through they continued to judge me. Judge me on past emotions. It's not fair. I'm hurt still, but I now have friends, blog friends, people that listen to me, let me pour my heart out.  

I hope you know, that every comment is appreciated, it makes my day to see you cared enough to say hello.  

Thanks Shell for letting me join you to pour my heart out! 

Siblings.

I've had a lot of time to just sit down and think lately. I posted here about my family always needing me. I think about all we've been through together.

My brother went deaf when he was about 3. He is able to hear now.

My sister found out she had cervical cancer at age 17.

My brother had his little boy join his life when he was 18.

I found a lump in my breast while TTC and had a biopsy done.

My youngest sister has had tumors removed from her ear and finger every couple years since she was 4.

My mom has heart disease and has had 13 heart attacks and 4 strokes since I was 12, so over the last 11 years.

Pregnancies & pregnancy scares. 

Miscarriages.

My sister having a seizure.

My in-laws being stupid. 

Friends leaving us at such a young age.

And that's just the start of it.

We've been through so much together. We've always been there together, for each other. My brother has been my late night movie buddy when I had nightmares & Skyler was at work. My sisters & I comforted each other through break ups. There hasn't been one friend that I've been able to turn to through everything. They are my rock. I'm close with my mom, we're more like friends than mother & daughter, but its my siblings that I know I can turn to no matter what. We share secrets. We fight. We laugh & cry together. I am so blessed to have such amazing siblings. 

Sisters

It seems like I tend to complain when PYHO comes around, I want to work on that, though it is about how I feel. Today's post will seem the same as always, but its going to have a twist.

I feel used. I'm always there when my family needs me and they seem to be doing close to nothing for me lately. Well usually it is the bare minimum. Like L, she is staying here and tends to make messes but disappears when cleaning comes. I mean really? Come on. I love L. I've loved having her & her family here. It's been the best/least lonely time I've had in months!

My sister's are my best friends, my brother too. I'm working on making my SIL, B, a close best friend too.  I want to have that bond with her, we're working on it together. Anyway, lately it feels like I'm giving and giving and not getting anything in return, but I am. I have friends. I have people that will sit and laugh with & at me. My sister and I spent like 3 hours cutting/styling my hair and doing my make up just for the heck of it yesterday.

We're going to do her hair tonight, my baby couldn't take it any longer. But that's what sisters do. My other sister Llama, we can sit and joke together for hours. Beeb is just as much fun.I love my sisters, we're best friends/worst enemies, but we're always there for each other. Maybe I'm here for them more than they are for me, I just make better decisions, but I know when they look back at this time in their lives they'll know I was there for them. Sometimes I have to sit back and look at the friendships we have, sometimes they are strong, other times not so much, but we love each other. I have the best sisters. Even if they make messes and avoid cleaning, or they end up arrested or having their car impounded and end up dragging me into the middle of it. I'm still here for them & I love them. I'm pretty sure L will read this, since I got her to start blogging. I just hope that I can continue to be here & support my sisters. I hope they can feel my love.

Baby #2.

Baby #2.

When are you coming? 

What will you be like?

How will A respond to being a big sister?

I always ask myself these things. No, we're not currently back in the TTC group. We're waiting till A is at least 1 if not 1 1/2. I want to make sure she has enough time to be a baby. Enough just one on one time with me and SJ but, at the same time I don't want them so far apart that it's hard for her to get used to a new baby. So I figured starting to talk about baby #2 after A's birthday is the best option. 

What will I like as a mom to 2 babies?

Will I be able to handle it? 

Heck most days it still amazes me that Miss A is mine. Would it be weird for you to hear that, it still hasn't clicked that A is mine, that I've had a baby? I mean yes I do everything and more for her and love her more than anything, but I still feel like I'm in a dream.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to handle two babies. Sometimes I wonder when we'll actually get pregnant. Will it happen quickly, or will it take a while like it did with A. Can I handle it taking a while if it does? I think I can. I know I can with Miss A by my side. Of course she won't know what's going on, but seeing her beautiful smile will help. Every time I see her my heart is healed just a little bit more, from all the pain it endured waiting for her. Hoping, wishing she'd come.

She came when God knew I needed her most. This is her time. She came when she was ready.  I know the same is to be said about Baby #2. He or she will come when they are ready. I know it will be more of a challenge with two kids, verses just Miss A. I'm up for that challenge. I know it will be worth it. And just knowing that, I'm ready now. I'm ready, like yesterday.

So for now I'll look back at A's baby pictures. I'll fold her little clothes and pack them up. I'll let my excitement and curiosity build, and remember that it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. Though if anyone were to tell me that outside of you blogging buddies, I would probably stab them. HA!


I'm linking this post up with Shell over at Things I Can't Say.

I won.

I won. 

At least that's my side of the story. See things weren't always how they are now. SJ & I got married 8 months after we started dating, and we started dating about 2 weeks after we met. I wanted to marry him right away and we talked about it A LOT. I knew it'd be a little hard being married at first. I had heard that you have to get used to each other, and on top of that we hadn't known each other very long, so we had to still learn even more about each other. I was under prepared. 

SJ worked full time and his schedule varied, graves, days, and swing shift, we didn't know till that week and they could change it whenever they pleased. I worked full time too. He went to school. We didn't see each other much & we had only been married a couple months. Then something came up with his family. It's always his family. 

Well it kept getting worse, to the point where we didn't see his family, but they didn't call more than once every few months anyway. I am shy. Well not so much anymore. Over the last few years I've been put in some very interesting situations. Situations that have caused me to grow up and push that shy girl away. Well me being shy came off bad. So that never helped things, especially when we were over there. At several points I thought our marriage was over. 

At one point, I had pushed all my feelings away and was just living day to day. Just doing what I had to. I just knew we wouldn't work out. That's when we went to counseling. Yup, I'm admitting it. SJ & I went to counseling, only a few times, we started to figure it out again. Skip forward a year and we were pregnant, I wasn't ready to tell his family. His mom made a big deal about it. So we told them. 

Then after we had A, she was two weeks old and they came over to yell and scream. Why? Something I posted on Facebook. I was tired of people showing up hours late to see my daughter, and bringing more people then we had been told. I let people know. That got around his family. They told SJ to pick them or us. At that point I knew it was over & I knew I could never forgive them. 

So I told SJ to bring them over, I'd set them straight. So the next day, his 3 siblings, a SIL and his mother came over. My dad being the amazing person he is, sat outside in the car in case I needed him. I was going against these 5 people by myself.  And that's just what I did. 

I told them they never tried to be my friends, automatically took me being shy as something bad, they lied, they believed the lies told by one. They were upset they weren't told everything during my pregnancy, but hey if you don't call why in the heck should I tell you. I never once got a call/text/email asking how I was doing. Heck SJ's mom only called him a few times. 

They said it was all my fault. They continued to lie, they told me that I only got pregnant to try and save my marriage. And to tell you the truth, a lot of the problems came because I wasn't getting pregnant, I was hurt. I let it affect my marriage. I messed up. I said fine, I'll do whatever and I have. 

Things are wonderful here at home now. I go to their family things and I sit there and try and make small talk, but you know what they haven't changed. They haven't called/texted/emailed or really stopped by. I told them I needed those things & nothing. I've done my part, but what about theirs? 

SJ has noticed this. He's noticed they've lied & he believes me now & apologizes for not knowing before. He's noticed they have empty promises. He's noticed that while they are his family, they only family he needs to worry about now is his own, Miss A & I. 

They aren't getting rid of me. I'm here forever. 

I won.

I am linking up with the wonderful Shell for PYHO.

Grow up.

My grandma hates me. 

She really does. See the thing is, 

she's crazy.

 Okay, so I guess I can't just say that and not tell you a little history. 

It all started in February, or so I'm told. See a lot of this is just stuff I've heard. Apparently at my baby shower, when asked who everyone was, I just told whoever it was "oh that's just my mom's family" after saying "Oh that's my Aunt Carole". Well my Aunt Carole isn't really my aunt, she's just a friend of the family that I've known forever and my mom made me call her Aunt as a sign of respect when I was little. 

Apparently all that hurt my Grandma's feelings. See the thing is, I NEVER said that. I said "that's my mom's family ", when asked which side was they were. I know I never said that because, there are some names I had a hard time pronouncing and a few that I actually forgot, it was very uncomfortable. Well since then my Grandma has refused to talk and look at me.

She came to my sister's baby shower, and that's the first time she saw A, who was 5 months. She didn't talk to me there, and continued to tell people I was an awful person. Well fast forward another 4 months, to this Sunday. We went to make biscochitos with my mom's family. My Aunt P called to make sure I came because she didn't care what my Grandma said she wanted to get to know me and A better. My Uncle R wanted us there too and I love him, he's my favorite.

Oh and a little more history, I grew up in California, they lived here in Utah, we saw them once a year and usually it was just my Grandma, so no one really knows my family at all, we're not exactly close.

Anyway, I knew my Grandma would be there so I got up and got ready and made sure A was ready and we ventured out there, an hour away. My Grandma was there. Everyone was there. I had already decided to be over the top nice to everyone, to make sure people saw I was always smiling and happy. Well I sat down to talk to my Grandma about the Xmas card I had at home for her and the grumpy old lady turned her head the other way and wouldn't even talk to me. Then she left, as in went home, but not before talking crap about me to everyone in the house.

I don't get it. It's ridiculous, how do you apologize for something you didn't do? Especially when that person won't even look at you? How can a Grandma do that? Its not like I know, or well knew she thought that or I would have said something, I would have announced at my baby shower, who she was. I'm not scared to get in front of my family and tell them what for. I just wish I knew what to do.

It hurts not having my Grandma like me. I know she doesn't like me, she's told people. It hurts knowing we can't even be in the same house together, she'll leave. I'm not going to the family Xmas party at her house this year, its too awkward. I can't be around that and Miss A will definitely not be around it. It was hard to decide not to go but, I do not want Miss A to be around people that are going to have such negative feelings.

I just don't know. People need to grow up.





I linked up with the amazing Shell at Things I can't Say. If you haven't "met" her yet of been apart of her PYHO link up, try it out, you'll love it.

Secrets

Secrets. 

We all have them. 

We all have someone else's to keep. 

I for one know that I have a chest locked up in my mind full of secrets. 

Secrets that I know would hurt so many people if they were brought out.

 I am an oldest daughter, an oldest sister. 

I am the keeper of secrets.

This past week has been crazy, heck the last two weeks my stomach has been in knots. Things are a mess. Being the oldest I'm told SOOOOO... many things. Things that make my stomach turn. Things that hurt my heart, have me worried. This last secret has been keeping me up at night, making me sweat. It involves my 19 year old sister. I'm not ready to get into details just yet, maybe in a few months. Maybe tomorrow, I don't know. 

Anyway, she told this secret a couple weeks ago. I was floored when I heard it. It was one of those, you have got to be kidding me. Then she just kept going. Kept spilling secrets. I kept thinking, "this is so bad" & "what about dad?" If my dad knew this secret, I know he would burst. He couldn't take it. It'd hurt too bad. He's already been through too much the past few years. 

Today (Monday) this secret was taken care of, for lack of better words. Lives have been changed, but not my dad's. He doesn't know what could have happened, what has happened. We had a girls chat yesterday, just me & two of my younger sisters, the youngest was at home. We talked about everything.

Secrets bring us together and pull us apart, but we're always sisters. The sister in laws I have gained through marrying SJ will never have the bond that we have, I've tried & it's just not going to happen, we can be civil to one another but that's about it, I'm done. The sister in law's I have through my brothers being married, well 2 of them will have somewhat of a good bond with, the other I will never forgive.

The secrets I keep eat at my insides. They make my nights restless.
Secrets, so bitter sweet. They bring you together, they tear you apart.

PYHO: Body Image

I feel great. 

I feel awful.

I look good for having a baby 5 months ago.

I should look better, I did have my baby 5 months ago.

This back and forth goes through my head everyday. Even now as I type this all out I'm thinking, umm yes, it has been 5 months, you slacker! 

Body image, why is there such a flip flop, back and forth with you?! I love you, I hate you. We might be friends, I definitely don't like you. It is no surprise that you're body is completely different after you have a baby! You would think that your brain/heart would get this memo. 

If only there were a pill to fix it all. 

A pill for the saggy tummy. A pill for the stretch marks. A pill for the extra 10 lbs that you haven't lost yet. A pill to help you find motivation to workout. Fact is, I love my body, mostly. Every stretch mark and extra pound reminds me of the accomplishment I made, the trial we over came. I love it. I love my little girl and if my body reacts this way or worse after each baby I'll accept it. 

But the woman behind the mom, she feels different. She wakes up in the morning feeling great, jumps in the shower, puts her "sexy underwear" on, you know the kind that makes you feel good. She does her hair, her make up, shes feeling great. Then it comes time to find something to wear. This is wear she hurts. The jeans hug her thighs different than before, they button tighter, after being buttoned they hug the love handles making a nice muffin top. The shirts cling to the saggy tummy. They are too short, too stretched out. They just aren't right. Skirts? Are you kidding me?! They show off her very white legs, that once used to be tan. To top it off they just don't fit right anymore either. This woman doesn't feel beautiful. 

This woman doesn't do much about it. She'll have good weeks where she'll loose a few pounds. She'll feel great, then it just stops. She decides meh one more dr. pepper isn't going to kill her. She decides to buy and elliptical, which her husband uses, but she is yet to. And when she decides to try it out for the first time, it burns. It's hard to breathe. She can't handle it. She stops after 5 minutes. Only 5. She's disappointed. Now its too late. She has a baby to nurse, laundry to do, kitchen to clean, lunch to make. The scale isn't her friend. She promises to try harder tomorrow. Which she just might. She'll up her water intake. Won't eat after 8. We'll see how this goes. 

Her husband loves the way she looks. She doesn't understand though. She's not who she used to be. She'll get there though. Her family figures she should starve herself and workout like crazy. She won't. She nurses. She would rather spend as much time as possible with her baby, though she is motivated now to workout even if it's 5 minutes here and there.

That woman is inside me. I'm not sure if you have that woman in you, but it's there in me. I feel great, I feel fat. I have motivation but with lack of encouragement I lose all motivation. I just want to feel good. I want my family to zip it and get on with it. My mom had an eating disorder when she was younger, up until she had a heart attack about 11 years ago. Though she is unable to take care of herself she still thinks people need to be skinny. 

All 3 of my sister's have had a problem there. My sister, Sissy, goes through phases, with being anorexic, bullemic, now she just eats well and works out a bunch. My sister, L who is 17 and 9 mo pregnant has always been anorexic since I can remember, and her and my mom celebrate that she is still so skinny. She has gained weight, her baby is healthy and her pregnancy is great, she's doing the right thing, she just started out too too skinny, so now she's just too skinny. And my baby sister R, works out and is very strict with her diet. My brother is skinny and my dad is also. If you've gained any weight in my family, you're too different. It's noticeable. I feel awful, I feel great. They don't get how hard it is to lose weight without much motivation. 

All I know is it hurts. I know this wasn't too deep. Its just been on my mind this last week. Especially today. I needed to write something, anything.

PYHO

I've never done this before. Diana is opening my blogging world up. I always see her doing it. So today I'm linking up with Shell. Diana talked about needing friends that are always there and it put whatever I was going to blog about somewhere that I've forgotten. It made me go, ya know what?! I have family that does the same darn thing!
So it's no surprise that my hubs family and I don't get along. I had a huge long post written about all the horrific stuff they done to me. The lies, everything. And decided it's not really that, it's the comments. The one "I don't think we can be close because I'm pregnant and you're not", the "You think that having a baby will fix problems in your marriage, it won't." These are the comments that make me want to puke. Make me honestly, want to effing punch someone.

I needed friends when we weren't getting pregnant, and most of our problems revolved around our infertility problems, yes I'll admit it, I let it hurt our marriage. I was so alone though. I felt and still even feel out of place when it comes to blogging, even though I tried to blog to get something. I felt and still feel like I fit in somewhere when I read blogs. I feel like I'm let in on your lives as a friend. I don't have anyone that I can really truly call a friend, outside of family. The friends I started out with from childhood all live in California and I moved to Utah at 16, and only did 1 year of highschool before I graduated. I don't have anyone I can just call up and be like Hey, come over. Hey let's go out. Hey, I'm having a break down. All I've wanted are friends, even if they are from my in-laws. People I could depend on, and all these people have done is criticize and say hurtful things about me. So what if I don't like my husband telling you how much he makes. He makes enough money to pay our mortgage and all the other stuff, so I can be a SAHM. That's all you need to know. Some months we do great, others not so great. You don't need a number. So what if I don't tell you we're trying to get pregnant, or when we plan on having a second one, because I'm scared that it won't happen anytime soon, though we'll probably start next year. So what if I don't tell you guys every detail of everything, or want people in the delivery room. My husband is my secret holder, the one who has seen me at both my best and my worst, I don't need the extra questions the extra worry if you aren't going to ask me questions, call me, or tell me your secrets. It's not a one way street.

I could go on and on about all their drama and such, and I have. I'm working on it though. All I know is, they all live withing 5-10 mins from me, (only one is about 10) the other 3 are very close, and I see them ummm, maybe 5 or 6 times a year. They've been to my house maybe 10 times, and we've lived here for a little over 2 years. No one just calls to do stuff. Heck they can call to see if I want to go grocery shopping with them or call to see if I can talk to them while they clean. My mom, my sisters, brothers and I do that all the time. I just try and try and they say it's me, so I change and still nothing.

I know this post is all over the place. I just can't seem to pour this out enough. My heart just hurts. I have a feeling I'll most definitely be pouring my heart out more often.