Friendship.

I had this friend, Cody. We actually met online when I lived in Cali. He was one of my best friends, we would talk on the phone for hours, we have so much in common. Large families, half mexican, half white, one parent with health problems, same religious background, just tons in common. When I moved to Utah, he moved to Utah and lived with his Aunt & cousins, he also got a job working with my Aunt & Uncle. My sister would always joke that we would get married. Then he left. After he left, I met Skyler and when I announced we were getting married, he sent me an email.

I was surprised to hear from him. Happy even. Until I read it. He told me that I was stupid for getting married so young. He expected better from me. And a whole bunch of other rude crap. I couldn't believe it. Why would someone send something so hurtful? My best friend even. So why I do I tell you this?

Well Cody posted on good ole Facebook, that he's engaged. The first thing I thought, was I'm so happy for him. Then I remembered what he had done to me, and I wanted to do the same back to him. Show him what it feels like to have your friend treat you like that. I didn't. I made sure to tell him congrats. It felt good. It felt better when I got a text from him telling me thanks, and asking for my address. 

I just couldn't do it to him. He's my friend, he was my best friend at some point and just to clear it up, we never dated and never thought/talked about it. I tried to keep in contact after I got married, it didn't work too well. He was always changing his number, doing this, doing that. I miss my best friend. I wish him the best. I want him to be happy. I want him to enjoy life. I want him back in my life. He lives in another state, it'd be nice to know that we can still be friends, especially now with him getting married. 

After this happened, I went to my in-law's Superbowl party. (BLAH!) Nothing has changed there. Yeah, I'll sit there and talk to them, but outside of their get together's, I get nothing from them. The worst SIL of all, well I guess I can't say worst, let's say the one I've had the most problems with, she asked her Step-Sister to come help her decorate her house right in front of me, after asking me tons of times to help her, I've just been waiting on her. I can't do it. I need a friend back. I need one IRL. Someone I can say, hey meet me here, or hey, come over I'm cleaning and want to talk. 

I just feel like there isn't a place for me, other than at home with A, like I don't fit in somewhere else. I don't know what brought this on, it couldn't have just been that announcement. Right now, I'm just feeling blah! 

The Scale.

I wasn't planning on writing a post today, I couldn't think of anything to pour my heart out about. Then it happened. I stepped on the scale. No weight gain, nor weight loss. I was still at my lowest pre-pregnancy, TTC weight. I've made it a month with a steady weight. I'm thrilled, makes me feel good. Yesterday I wore my skinny jeans, they fit great, just a little of a saggy tummy, but oh well. They were on, and I could breathe!  

Just the morning before Skyler was saying how we were coming up on starting to TTC #2. Which was on my mind for the rest of the morning, so when the weight thought was running around, it reminded me of the first round of TTC. It was difficult, PCOS is not friendly, though I know I was on the easier side of it. The Metformin was awful, I got so sick, and lost the weight, that they said I might. (I wasn't over weight, I was still in the good range, just had gained 15-20 lbs since I had gotten married.) I was at the number I am at now when I got pregnant. It's just a number. But that number makes me cringe when it goes up, makes me wonder if I'll have to get on Metformin again. I worry about any kind of weight gain. It's pathetic. It hurts. 

I was emailing with someone who is currently TTC #1 and her doctor suggested a counselor for her to see. I wish my doctor would have suggested that. I held it together, mostly, but deep down I was hurting. Too much for me to handle on my own. I'm sure people could tell. I talked to people about it, why didn't someone say something to me? Suggest someone to talk to? 

While going through marriage counseling I told Sky that maybe I needed to talk to someone about the things that were affecting me from my childhood, and he said sure, but it was never brought up again. I wasn't brave enough to bring it up after that one moment of courage.

 I hope if I'm ever in that place again, or near it, someone will speak up. I just want to know why? It's so easy for them to tell others what to do, but when I'm obviously in need of help/suggestion, why didn't they? It hurts to think they wouldn't say anything, but we're all so quick to judge. My in-laws that would be. My family understood, they talked to me, didn't judge, knew what I was going through and tried. But my in-laws, after they knew what I had gone through they continued to judge me. Judge me on past emotions. It's not fair. I'm hurt still, but I now have friends, blog friends, people that listen to me, let me pour my heart out.  

I hope you know, that every comment is appreciated, it makes my day to see you cared enough to say hello.  

Thanks Shell for letting me join you to pour my heart out! 

PYHO

I've never done this before. Diana is opening my blogging world up. I always see her doing it. So today I'm linking up with Shell. Diana talked about needing friends that are always there and it put whatever I was going to blog about somewhere that I've forgotten. It made me go, ya know what?! I have family that does the same darn thing!
So it's no surprise that my hubs family and I don't get along. I had a huge long post written about all the horrific stuff they done to me. The lies, everything. And decided it's not really that, it's the comments. The one "I don't think we can be close because I'm pregnant and you're not", the "You think that having a baby will fix problems in your marriage, it won't." These are the comments that make me want to puke. Make me honestly, want to effing punch someone.

I needed friends when we weren't getting pregnant, and most of our problems revolved around our infertility problems, yes I'll admit it, I let it hurt our marriage. I was so alone though. I felt and still even feel out of place when it comes to blogging, even though I tried to blog to get something. I felt and still feel like I fit in somewhere when I read blogs. I feel like I'm let in on your lives as a friend. I don't have anyone that I can really truly call a friend, outside of family. The friends I started out with from childhood all live in California and I moved to Utah at 16, and only did 1 year of highschool before I graduated. I don't have anyone I can just call up and be like Hey, come over. Hey let's go out. Hey, I'm having a break down. All I've wanted are friends, even if they are from my in-laws. People I could depend on, and all these people have done is criticize and say hurtful things about me. So what if I don't like my husband telling you how much he makes. He makes enough money to pay our mortgage and all the other stuff, so I can be a SAHM. That's all you need to know. Some months we do great, others not so great. You don't need a number. So what if I don't tell you we're trying to get pregnant, or when we plan on having a second one, because I'm scared that it won't happen anytime soon, though we'll probably start next year. So what if I don't tell you guys every detail of everything, or want people in the delivery room. My husband is my secret holder, the one who has seen me at both my best and my worst, I don't need the extra questions the extra worry if you aren't going to ask me questions, call me, or tell me your secrets. It's not a one way street.

I could go on and on about all their drama and such, and I have. I'm working on it though. All I know is, they all live withing 5-10 mins from me, (only one is about 10) the other 3 are very close, and I see them ummm, maybe 5 or 6 times a year. They've been to my house maybe 10 times, and we've lived here for a little over 2 years. No one just calls to do stuff. Heck they can call to see if I want to go grocery shopping with them or call to see if I can talk to them while they clean. My mom, my sisters, brothers and I do that all the time. I just try and try and they say it's me, so I change and still nothing.

I know this post is all over the place. I just can't seem to pour this out enough. My heart just hurts. I have a feeling I'll most definitely be pouring my heart out more often.